All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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