I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
