I'm gonna have a badass scar
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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