we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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