You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
