Christians are straight up FREAKS
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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