They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
