If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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