Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
