So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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