Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
