You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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