just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
