Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
