One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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