im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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