I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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