and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
