im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
