I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
