u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
