So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
