Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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