I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
