Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
