This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
