i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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