yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
