I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
