Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Randomize
