So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
