Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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