i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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