Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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