wrigley field is MILF paradise
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
