My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
