If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
