my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
