My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
