Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
