All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
