No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
