life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
