He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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