Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
