Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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