3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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