I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
