dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
