at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
