I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
