You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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